Stupid About Men – Deborah Dunn – Host, Dr. Freda Crews

> TIME FOR HOPE HAS HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF HAVING MANY GIFTED AND INSIGHTFUL AUTHORS APPEAR AS OUR GUESTS THROUGH THE YEARS, AND WE HAVE DECIDED TO RERUN, FROM TIME TO TIME, SOME OF OUR PAST SHOWS RELATED TO SUBJECTS THAT DID AND WILL AGAIN GIVE OUR VIEWERS THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN OR BE INSPIRED TO HOPE FOR BETTER DAYS WITH THIS IN MIND WE HAVE CHOSEN TO RERUN THE FOLLOWING EDITION OF TIME FOR HOPE

> I COUNT IT A TREMENDOUS PRIVILEGE TO WELCOME YOU TO ANOTHER EDITION OF TIME FOR HOPE, A FAITH BASED MENTAL HEALTH PROGRAM I'M DR FREDA CREWS, YOUR HOST AND I WANT TO EXPRESS MY APPRECIATION FOR ALL OF THE ENCOURAGING NOTES AND PERSONAL CONTACT I RECEIVE FROM MANY OF YOU LETTING US KNOW HOW MUCH THIS MINISTRY MEANS TO YOU TODAY, I AM JOINED BY DEBORAH DUNN, MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST AND WE'RE GOING TO BE DISCUSSING HER NEWEST BOOK TITLED, STUPID ABOUT MEN 10 RULES FOR GETTING ROMANCE RIGHT

IN THIS BOOK DEBORAH OFFERS A STEP BY STEP PLAN ON HOW TO STOP ACTING STUPID ABOUT MEN AND BECOME SMART ABOUT LIFE STAY WITH US > AND DEBORAH, IT'S GREAT HAVING YOU AGAIN ON TIME FOR HOPE > IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE FREDA > AND WHAT A SUBJECT

<<LAUGHTE R > YOU REALLY GET INTO THESE FAIRY TALES DON'T YOU? > I LOVE 'EM WELL WE'RE FED THEM FROM THE TIME WE'RE BORN AND THEY'RE A NATURAL PART OF OUR LIFE I WAS JUST WATCHING TELEVISION THIS MORNING AND DISNEY ON ICE IS ALL ABOUT TINKERBELL AND SO THE STORIES SURROUND US, WHY NOT USE THEM? > MOST OF THE TIME HAVING TO DO WITH A WOMAN FINDING HER PRINCE, ALONG ROMANCE LINES RIGHT? > OF COURSE, WELL, THE TEN RULES ARE ILLUSTRATED BY TEN FAIRY TALE CHARACTERS THAT I THINK WERE STUPID ABOUT MEN WE'RE GIVEN THESE STORIES AS CHILDREN AND YOU KNOW, THE PRINCESS DIARIES, ALL THE MOVIES WE SEE GROWING UP AND AS YOUNG WOMEN ABOUT THE IDEAL, FAIRY TALE LIFE, BUT WE REALLY DON'T STOP TO THINK ABOUT WHAT THOSE STORIES ARE TELLING US CINDERELLA, MY GOSH, SHE WENT OFF WITH A MAN JUST BECAUSE HE OWNED A CASTLE

WHAT WAS LIFE REALLY LIKE IN THAT CASTLE AFTER SHE GOT MARRIED? AND WENDY WHO JUST LOVED TO MOTHER LOST BOYS, AND RAPUNZEL, WHO RAN OFF WITH THE FIRST STRANGER WHO RESCUED HER FROM HER TOWER, NEVER ASKING ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT WHO HIS FAMILY WAS AND THEN THERE WAS LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD, AND WE KNOW WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS SHE DOING IN THE FOREST WITH A WOLF ANYWAY, MUCH LESS TALKING TO HIM? > AND I THOUGHT YOU BROUGHT OUT IN YOUR BOOK SO WELL, WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS HER MOTHER THINKING LETTING HER GO OFF INTO THAT FOREST? <<LAUGHTE R > > WITH A BASKET OF GOODIES TO BOOT > YES <<LAUGHTE R > INTO THAT FOREST, SO YOU BRING OUT SO MUCH AND MAKE THESE STORIES COME ALIVE NOW, AM I TO ASSUME THAT THE AUTHORS OF THESE FAIRY TALES LITERALLY HAD IN MIND WHAT YOU GET OUT OF THEM

> OH, OF COURSE NOT > DID WE MISS SOMETHING BACK THERE? <<LAUGHTE R > I DON'T KNOW THAT THEY READ THEM IN SCHOOL ANYMORE LIKE WE DID > WELL, THEY'RE POPULARIZED NOW IN MOVIES

WE CERTAINLY READ THOSE STORIES TO OUR CHILDREN AS LITTLE CHILDREN AND THEY'RE POPULARIZED IN MOVIES I MEAN, THERE'S A TINKERBELL MOVIE OUT NOW, THERE'S PETER PAN AND OF COURSE THERE'S UMPTEEN VERSIONS OF CINDERELLA, BUT REALLY THIS BOOK IS NOT ABOUT THE FAIRY TALES THIS IS ABOUT WOMEN'S ADDICTION TO THE ROMANTICIZED, IDEALIC VIEW OF MARRIAGE AND THEY'RE NOT THINKING AND MAKING SMART DECISIONS ABOUT MEN BECAUSE THEY'RE SO ENTRANCED BY THE ROMANTIC PROCESS > SO MUCH OF IT HAS TO DO TOO WITH THE DEPENDENCE ON MEN AND YOU REALLY COME AT THAT VERY GOOD I THINK > THANK YOU > THAT YOU DON'T, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING, YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A GOOD MAN NOT A FINANCIAL PLAN, <<LAUGHTE R > YOU SAY THAT YOU GET THAT OUT OF CINDERELLA AND THEN YOU'RE WITH SNOW WHITE YOU'RE TO BE HAPPY NOW DON'T WAIT FOR SOMEONE TO MAKE YOU HAPPY > WHEN YOU SIT AROUND AND WE DEADEN OURSELVES WITH FOOD AND DRUGS AND SHOPPING AND WAITING FOR THE MAN WHO'S GOING TO KISS US, WAKE US UP AND GIVE US A LIFE > AND LITERALLY WE'RE GOING TO PUT ALL OF OUR, WE HAVE THIS IDEA THAT THEY WILL JUST TAKE CARE OF US PERIOD EVERYTHING WE NEED, EVERYTHING WE WANT THAT THEY'RE THE ANSWER

> WELL, EXACTLY I WAS OUT IN THE HALL TALKING TO YOUR ASSISTANT WITH MY LITTLE GROUP GOING THERE AND I WAS SAYING TOO MANY WOMEN NOW ARE GIVEN THE MESSAGE IN THE CHURCH PARTICULARLY THAT IF THEY'RE NOT MARRIED THAT SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THEM AND THEY SORT OF LOOK ASKANCE AT HAVING YOUR OWN CAREER BUT I BELIEVE GOD HAS A PLAN FOR EVERY PERSON'S LIFE AND WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT THAT PLAN IS BEFORE WE MARRY WE DON'T WAIT FOR THE MAN TO GIVE US THAT PLAN EVEN IF OUR PLAN IS, YOU KNOW, TO BE A WIFE AND MOTHER AND THERE'S NOTHING, YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, I THINK THAT'S WOMEN'S DIVINE PURPOSE PRIMARY DIVINE PURPOSE BUT YOU KNOW THE WORLD HAS A LOT OF CHILDREN AND YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE MAN GOD SENDS AND YOU MIGHT HAVE TO WAIT TIL YOUR THIRTIES TO DO THAT BECAUSE HE, YOU KNOW, OFTEN TIMES WE NEED TO BE EDUCATED

WE NEED TO HAVE SOME LIFE EXPERIENCE; WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND OUR PLAN BEFORE WE LOOK FOR THE MAN > IT'S BEST TO WAIT THAN TO JUMP TOO SOON AND > EXACTLY

> AND THAT HAPPENS TOO OFTEN > TOO OFTEN > DOESN'T IT? AND I THINK YOUR BOOK WILL HELP MANY MANY WOMEN SEE AND UNDERSTAND THAT > OH, I HOPE SO > THAT WAITING CAN PAY OFF AND SOMETIMES THERE'S THE TENDENCY TO WAIT TOO LONG AND LET A GOOD MAN GO SO YOU CAN TALK ABOUT THAT SIDE ALSO IT IS TIME FOR A BREAK AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

>OK, WELL THE MAGIC MIRROR IS A METAPHOR THAT I USE OF COURSE FROM THE DISNEY MOVIES, THE FAIRY TALES "SNOW WHITE & THE SEVEN DWARVES" AND THE QUEEN YOU KNOW ASKS THE MIRROR CONSTANTLY, AM I BEAUTIFUL? AM I BEAUTIFUL? AND I TELL YOUNG PEOPLE WHEN I TALK TO THEM AND YOUTH GROUPS AND THAT SORT OF THING IS, FIRST OF ALL, THE FIRST MISTAKE WAS SHE'S TALKING TO THE WRONG THING SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN TALKING TO GOD NOT A MAGIC MIRROR AND WE HEAR, THE STORY ACTUALLY SAYS AND THE MIRROR NEVER LIES WELL, THE MIRROR CONSTANTLY LIED IF THE MIRROR HAD TOLD THE TRUTH THE MIRROR WOULD HAVE TOLD THE QUEEN, YOU'RE NOT BEAUTIFUL ON THE INSIDE, YOU NEED TO WORK ON THAT

BUT THE MIRROR TOLD HER; OH YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL ON THE OUTSIDE SO YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL OF ALL SO THIS BOOK AND THE METAPHOR THAT I USE IS ABOUT TALKING TO THE WRONG THING, THE WORLD AND LOOKING FOR CONSTANT AFFIRMATION AND APPROVAL AND BEING ADDICTED IN A NARCISSISTIC WAY TO THE NEED FOR THAT AFFIRMATION AND APPROVAL AND ULTIMATELY TRANSFERRING THAT NEED OVER TO A HUSBAND OR A MATE TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF UNDERNEATH THIS IS WELL, BECAUSE THE WORLD PROMOTES RAMPANT SEXUALITY AND YOU KNOW THE LIE THAT SOMEHOW THE MORE SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE YOU ARE, THE MORE WORTHWHILE YOU ARE AS A PERSON, UNDERNEATH ALL THAT IS THE WOUNDS THAT OCCUR BECAUSE OF THAT LIFESTYLE SO WHEN A PERSON MARRIES THEY COVER ALL THAT UP, THEY LOOK FOR THE MAN THAT'S GOING TO MAKE THEM FEEL WONDERFUL ABOUT THEMSELVES, AND THEN ULTIMATELY, THAT ALL COLLAPSES INTO THE MARRIAGE WHEN THAT PROCESS COMES TO A HALT

AND WHAT I DESCRIBE IN THE BOOK IS WHAT I SEE IS A VERY TOXIC CYCLE HAPPENING IN MANY, MANY MARRIAGES CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES PARTICULARLY WHERE THE WIFE, WHEN ROMANCE WEARS OFF, SHE'S NOT GETTING THE CONSTANT AFFIRMATION AND ATTENTION FROM HER HUSBAND, BEGINS TO NAG, BEGINS TO PREACH, BEGINS TO TRY TO TEACH CHANGE, IMPROVE HIM, AND CHANGE HIM, BUT, AND STARTS COMPARING HIM TO OTHER MEN IN HER CHURCH AND IN HER BIBLE STUDY GROUP AND THINKING "IF HE COULD JUST BE LIKE THAT" YOU KNOW, AND THEN SO HER WAY OF GOING ABOUT THAT IS TO MORALIZE, TO TRY TO BE THE HOLY SPIRIT IN HIS LIFE SO TO SPEAK AND TO CHANGE HIM WELL, WHAT THAT DOES TO A MAN IS "DRIVES THEM AWAY" ESSENTIALLY IT CAUSES EMOTIONAL DISTANCE, HE DOES NOT WANT TO HEAR FROM A WIFE WHAT HE NEEDS TO BE BETTER TO MEET HER EXPECTATIONS, AND SOMETIMES WILL EVEN DO THE OPPOSITE JUST TO MAINTAIN SOME SENSE OF BALANCE AND CONTROL > I PROBABLY DON'T HAVE ANY DOUBT THAT YOU'VE STAYED WITH US AS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT STUPID ABOUT MEN WITH OUR GUEST, DEBORAH DUNN

BUT BEFORE I TURN BACK TO DEBORAH EVEN TO MAKE COMMENTS ABOUT THIS THAT I'M GOING TO SHARE WITH YOU, I WANT TO REMIND YOU THAT WE'RE ALWAYS VERY HAPPY TO RECEIVE YOUR PRAYER REQUESTS WE'RE ALWAYS VERY HAPPY TO PRAY WITH YOU ON THE PHONE WHEN YOU CALL IN TO TIME FOR HOPE AND CERTAINLY I DON'T WANT TO FORGET TO POINT YOU TO THE TIME FOR HOPE WEBSITE WWWTIMEFORHOPEORG WHERE THERE ARE GREAT RESOURCES THERE, WE'LL BE ADDING DEBORAH'S BOOK TO THAT RESOURCE LIST AND WE ALSO WOULD REMIND YOU EACH TIME THAT WE APPRECIATE THE CONTRIBUTIONS THAT COME IN TO TIME FOR HOPE AND IF YOU HAVEN'T CONTRIBUTED TO THIS MINISTRY WE WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE THAT THEN I DO HAVE SOMETHING FROM A VIEWER THAT I'M GOING TO SHARE AND THEN WE'LL TURN TO DEBORAH TO SEE IF SHE HAS SOME COMMENTS ABOUT WHAT THIS VIEWER SHARES

<<LETTER FROM A VIEWE R > I HAVE NO DOUBT SHE BELIEVES THAT FROM WHAT SHE HAS WRITTEN AND WHAT SHE'S LOOKING FOR IN A MAN I CAN'T GUARANTEE THAT THIS KIND OF MAN, THIS TOTAL PACKAGE IS GOING TO COME ALONG, BUT I WILL SAY HER DESIRES ARE RIGHT ON TARGET

AND THAT WE, DEBORAH I'M SURE IS GOING TO ADVISE THAT SINCE SHE HAS THIS ALL LAID OUT THAT SHE NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT SHE WANTS IN A MAN, SO, I'M GOING TO TURN TO DEBORAH AND WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS WHAT DO YOU SAY? > WELL, I THINK ALL OF THOSE THINGS THAT SHE'S LISTED ARE VERY IMPORTANT I WOULD ADVISE HER TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION TO THE PHYSICAL APPEARANCE TO THE POINT WHERE SHE LETS THAT OVERWHELM HER WOMEN ARE VERY VULNERABLE TO GOOD LOOKING MEN AND I'M CERTAIN MEN ARE TOO, THAT'S AN AGE – OLD PROBLEM BUT, YOU KNOW, WE CAN MISS THAT STERLING CHARACTER BECAUSE WE LOOK INTO THOSE GORGEOUS BLUE EYES OR THAT TALL, DARK, HANDSOME SMILE AND WE DON'T SEE THE REAL MAN UNDERNEATH

AND THERE'S A LOT OF REALLY WONDERFUL MEN WHO WOULD MAKE GREAT HUSBANDS, FATHERS, AND COMPANIONS WHO ARE, YOU KNOW, WOULDN'T BE A MODEL, WHO OR JUST ORDINARY GUYS WE NEED TO TAKE SECOND LOOKS AT LIFE COMPANIONS LIKE THAT BECAUSE YOU KNOW WE ALSO, ON THE OTHER HAND TEND TO BELIEVE THAT WE AREN'T GOING TO GET THE MAN GOD DESIRES FOR US IF WE AREN'T PERFECT, IF WE DON'T LOOK GREAT, IF WE AREN'T THIN, IF WE AREN'T WELL DRESSED AT ALL TIMES, IF WE AREN'T, YOU KNOW, BEAUTIFUL AND THAT CAUSES A LOT OF SELF ESTEEM ISSUES WITH WOMEN AND THAT DRIVES THEM TO MAKE SOME BAD ROMANTIC MISTAKES > IT SURE GIVE THOSE MEN WHO ARE NOT TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME, YOU KNOW THEY'RE GOING TO RUN INTO PROBLEMS IF ALL WOMEN ARE LOOKING FOR TALL DARK AND HANDSOME MEN AND THAT WAS THE SAYING IN MY, YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS OF DATING AGE AND THINKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED, YOU KNOW, TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME AND YOU'RE EXACTLY RIGHT, THE OUTSIDE, JUST LIKE WITH WOMEN IT DOESN'T, IT'S A PACKAGE > WHAT YOU LOOK FOR IS THE LARGENESS OF THE HEART AND THE MATURITY AND THE GODLINESS AND THE MAN WHO IS A MAN OF GOD'S OWN HEART AND KNOWS GOD AND WALKS THE WALK AND DOESN'T JUST TALK THE TALK > I THINK THAT'S SAID SO WELL, LOOKING BACK AT HER LETTER, I THOUGHT THE THINGS THAT SHE FIRST SAID, "PLEASE PRAY I WILL MEET A GENTLEMAN > EXACTLY > THAT HAS CHARACTER, INTEGRITY, IS ABSTINENT AND WILL BE FAITHFUL" I WOULD SAY EVERY ONE OF THOSE THINGS SHE SHOULD STICK TO WITHOUT ANY DOUBT

> ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY > THOSE ARE THE THINGS THAT SHE SHOULD LOOK FOR WHETHER HE'S TALL, SHORT, MIDDLE HEIGHT, WHETHER HE HAS ALL THE OTHER > AND I WOULD SAY TOO, LOOK AT THE WAY HE INTERACTS WITH CHILDREN, IS HE KIND TO YOUR GRANDFATHER AND LISTENS TO HIS OLD STORIES? DOES HE TIP THE WAITRESS WELL? IS HE POLITE OR DOES HE ENGAGE IN ROAD RAGE? THEY'RE SIGNS

> THOSE ARE SIGNS THAT YOU REALLY DO NEED TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR WE'LL TALK A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT THAT WHEN WE COME BACK AND WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK >TOO OFTEN WOMEN DON'T UNDERSTAND THE MEN THEY ARE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH – ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO USE, ABUSE OR IN SOME OTHER WAY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM THE KIND OF MAN THAT COMES TO MY MIND WHEN I THINK OF USING AND ABUSING IS THE ANGRY MAN IN THEIR BOOK, AVOIDING MR

WRONG, STEPHEN ARTERBURN AND DR MEG J RINCK LIST THE CHARACTERISTICS OF AN ANGRY MAN ALLOW ME TO CITE SOME OF THEM THEY TEND TO BE JEALOUS AND INSECURE, ALTHOUGH THEY CAN EASILY WEAR A FACE OF GREAT SELF CONFIDENCE

ANGRY MEN BLAME OTHERS FOR THEIR PROBLEMS – ESPECIALLY THEIR WIVES VULNERABLE WIVES MAKE EASY TARGETS FOR ANGRY MEN TO PROJECT ALL THEIR ANGER ON ANGRY MEN LOVE TO BE IN CONTROL; AND WOMEN, WHO WISH TO PLEASE, CAN BE EASY PREY FOR SUCH MEN ANGRY MEN REFUSE TO ADMIT WEAKNESSES OF ANY KIND, PRETEND TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS AND CANNOT TAKE CRITICISM AT ALL NEEDY WOMEN CAN EASILY FALL PRAY TO THE ANGRY MAN'S BELIEF THAT THE ANSWER TO ANY DOMESTIC PROBLEM IS SEX – THAT ALL WOMEN NEED IS A GOOD MAN IN BED, AND THAT WILL MAKE EVERYTHING OK

AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, ANGRY MEN OFTEN THREATEN TO HURT THE WOMEN THEY ARE PARTNERING WITH, AND TOO OFTEN THE THREATS BECOME REALITY AND MANY WOMEN SUFFER PHYSICAL ABUSE AT THE HANDS OF ANGRY MEN SO, THE AUTHORS' ADVISE TO YOU IF YOU ARE NOT ALREADY MARRIED TO SUCH A MAN, BUT RECOGNIZE THE DANGER SIGNS, IS TO GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP AS FAST AS YOU SAFELY CAN, BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CHANGE THE ANGRY MAN INSTEAD ACCEPT THE TRUTH THAT YOU DID NOT CAUSE HIS BEHAVIOR AND YOU CANNOT FIX IT IF YOUR ANGRY SPOUSE OR PARTNER THREATENS TO HIT YOU, ASK HIM TO LEAVE IF HE REFUSES, THEN YOU FIND A WAY TO LEAVE, AND STAY AWAY UNTIL THERE IS REAL PROVEN CHANGE IN HIS BEHAVIOR

THIS WILL PROBABLY REQUIRE PROFESSIONAL HELP FOR YOU BOTH AND WOMEN, "BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS IS NOT CHANGEYOU MUST STOP LISTENING TO WHAT HE SAYS AND ONLY LOOK AT WHAT HE DOES

HIS WORDS ARE LIES, AND HIS ACTIONS DESTRUCTIVE" AND IF YOUR ANGRY HUSBAND, FIANCÉ OR BOYFRIEND HAS HIT YOU OR HURT YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN, DO NOT STAY (AVOIDING MR WRONG: STEPHEN ARTERBURN AND DR MEG J, RINCK) THE SCRIPTURES RELATE:"DO NOT MAKE FRIENDS WITH A HOT-TEMPERED MAN, DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH ONE EASILY ANGERED

" (PROVERBS 22:24: HOLY BIBLE) > WE APPRECIATE YOUR STAYING WITH US ON TIME FOR HOPE OUR GUEST IS DEBORAH DUNN AND WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HER BOOK, STUPID ABOUT MEN AND HAVE WE GIVEN THE SUBTITLE? I DON'T THINK WE HAVE DEBORAH, YOUR BOOK, TEN RULES FOR GETTING ROMANCE RIGHT THAT IS A LOT TO DELIVER, > IT IS

> BUT I BELIEVE YOU DO WITH THE BOOK > THANK YOU > YOU TALK ABOUT THAT WOMEN SHOULD BE, THEY SHOULD SEE THAT IT'S MORE IMPORTANT TO BE SMART THAN TO BE SEXY THERE WAS A TIME WHEN MEN DIDN'T WANT WOMEN TO BE SMART > THAT'S RIGHT

> BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE ANYMORE THEY LIKE SMART WOMEN NOW > THEY DO, THEY DO AND WE LIVE IN A CULTURE NOW, WHERE THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT MOST WOMEN WILL OUTLIVE THEIR HUSBANDS AND PROBABLY, POSSIBLY EVEN BEFORE THEY REACH RETIREMENT, SO, IT IS VERY CRUCIAL FOR WOMEN TO BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES AND NOT BE ABLE, YOU KNOW, NOT EXPECT A MAN TO TAKE CARE OF THEM THE REST OF THEIR LIVES > BUT YOU REALLY, I GATHER FROM MEN THAT THEY LIKE WOMEN, THEY LIKE 'EM TO BE SMART AND THEY LIKE 'EM TO BE SEXY SO IT'S A COMBINATION THAT THEY'RE LOOKING FOR IN A WOMAN > WELL, WE PUT TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON THE SEXINESS THING BECAUSE ACTUALLY ONCE YOU GET MARRIED, THAT, YOU KNOW, THAT CHANGES

THAT'S ANOTHER WHOLE BOOK > ESPECIALLY AFTER CHILDREN COME <<LAUGHTE R > > I KNOW, THAT'S ANOTHER WHOLE BOOK I'VE BEEN MARRIED ALMOST FORTY YEARS AND I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT, I, BUT I COUNSEL A LOT OF WOMEN WHO ARE TRYING TO HANG ON TO THE YOUTHFUL PERSONA AND THEY HAVE TEENAGERS OF THEIR OWN AND THEY'RE STILL OUT THERE TRYING TO BE SEXY AND THE FIRST THING I TELL THEM, YOU KNOW, SWITCH YOUR FOCUS BECAUSE NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GET SMART > YOU KNOW, DAUGHTERS DON'T LIKE THAT

THEY DON'T LIKE THEIR MOMS TO DO THAT > TO COMPETE WITH THEM, EXACTLY > TO COMPETE WITH THEM AND I DON'T THINK MOMS SHOULD COMPETE > BUT WE SEE A LOT OF IT THESE DAYS > YEAH, WE SEE A LOT OF IT THESE DAYS

THEN WE MOVE ON AND I SEE A LOT OF THIS, I'VE SEEN A LOT OF THIS IN MY COUNSELING AND YOU SAY THAT WE'RE TO CARE FOR OURSELVES AS MUCH AS WE CARE FOR OUR MEN TOO MANY WOMEN THINK IT'S THEIR TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE SURE THEIR MAN IS HAPPY AND THAT THEY'RE, THAT THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE PUT ON THIS EARTH FOR > YOU KNOW TO THIS DAY MY MOTHER, STILL, WHENEVER I TRAVEL OR I'M OUT OF TOWN AT A BOOK SIGNING OR A TAPING LIKE THIS OR WHATEVER, THE FIRST THING SHE MAY ASK ME IS DID I COOK AND LEAVE MEALS FOR MY HUSBAND AND HOW IS HE GOING TO FEND FOR HIMSELF IF I'M GONE AND YOU KNOW, THERE'S A CERTAIN GENERATION OF WOMEN WHO JUST BELIEVE THEIR JOB IS JUST TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR MAN AND IN FAMILY COUNSELING I SEE A LOT OF ANGRY WOMEN WHO ARE WORKING FULL TIME, THEY'RE TAKING CARE OF THEIR HUSBANDS AND THEY'RE NOT LETTING HIM DO SOME THINGS THAT I BELIEVE HE'D BE WILLING TO DO, BUT THEY'RE SO PERFECTIONISTS IF HE DOESN'T DO IT THE WAY THEY WANT, SHE WANTS HIM TO DO IT THEN IT'S NOT DONE RIGHT HE GETS DISCOURAGED, HE QUITS AND SHE'S CRITICAL AND ANGRY AT HIM BECAUSE HE'S NOT HELPING HER ENOUGH

BUT THE TRUTH OF IT IS SHE'S JUST NOT ENCOURAGING HIM ENOUGH > AND ALSO THE TRUTH IS THAT THEY'RE TRYING TO EARN THEIR MAN'S LOVE > EXACTLY > AND THE DAY A WOMAN WAKES UP TO THAT HER LIFE WILL CHANGE > EXACTLY, I AM SO GLAD YOU SAID THAT

> YOU CANNOT EARN > I'M SO GLAD YOU SAID THAT > A MAN'S LOVE, YOU CAN'T MAKE A MAN LOVE YOU > NO, NO, NO, NO

> NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO FOR HIM, HOW MUCH YOU DO FOR HIM, SO, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT ON TARGET THAT WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES AND GIVE AS MUCH ATTENTION TO TAKING CARE OF US AS WE DO TO TAKING CARE OF HIM AND IT'S OKAY TO GO OUT OF TOWN IF YOU'RE A BUSINESS, PROFESSIONAL WOMAN AND LET HIM FEND FOR HIMSELF > OF COURSE

> NOW, I DON'T SAY THAT ABOUT YOUNG CHILDREN, WE, AS MOTHERS > THAT'S DIFFERENT > THAT'S TOTALLY, TOTALLY DIFFERENT

> WELL, WOMEN CONFUSE BEING A WIFE WITH BEING A MOTHER AND THEY MOTHER MEN AND THEN THEY WONDER WHY THEY'RE SO ANGRY AND WHY HE ACTS LIKE A CHILD BECAUSE THAT'S THE RELATIONSHIP SHE'S ESTABLISHED WITH HIM MEN DON'T LIKE THAT THAT'S JUST SOMETHING THEY FIND THEMSELVES CAUGHT UP IN AND UNFORTUNATELY WOMEN CONFUSE BEING NEEDED WITH BEING LOVED THEY'RE TWO SEPARATE ISSUES AND THAT IS CODEPENDENCY AS YOU WELL KNOW AND I WOULD SAY HERE IN THE SOUTH IS WORSE THAN ANY PLACE IN THE WORLD WHERE WE CONFUSE BEING NEEDED WITH BEING LOVED WHETHER IT'S BY OUR CHILDREN, BAILING OUR CHILDREN OUT OF OUR SCRAPES, TAKING CARE OF OUR GRANDCHILDREN, COOKING AND CLEANING FOR EVERYBODY, PARENTING EVERYBODY, EVEN IN THE CHURCH, LETTING THE CHURCH TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE SO NEEDED AND FOR WOMEN WHO HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT LOVE AND NEED ARE TWO DIFFERENT ISSUES THEY CAN FEEL VERY TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF AND THEY CAN FEEL VERY NOT LOVED

> AND WORN OUT > AND WORN OUT > AND ANGRY > AND ANGRY

> AND ANGRY AT EVERYBODY THAT'S PULLING AT THEM BUT YET THEY'RE THE ONES THAT ARE > ENCOURAGING > THAT ARE ENCOURAGING THAT > EXACTLY

> AND THEN YOU SAY DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME TRYING TO BE PERFECT AGAIN, DELIVERANCE FROM PERFECTIONISM IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN TO A WOMAN > FREEDOM, TOTAL FREEDOM BECAUSE PERFECTION IS A FORM OF BONDAGE AND IT'S USUALLY GOAL-ORIENTED TOWARD BEING PERFECT AT THE WRONG THINGS BY WORLDLY STANDARDS AND ODDLY ENOUGH, ONCE YOU'RE FREE FROM PERFECTIONISM, BY WORLDLY STANDARDS YOU FIND ALMOST MAGICALLY, IF I COULD USE THAT WORD, THAT SPIRITUALLY, YOU GROW SO MUCH AND YOU'RE SO MUCH FREER TO BE YOURSELF THAT YOU BECOME MORE CHRIST-LIKE YOU BECOME MORE LOVING, YOU'RE HAPPIER, YOU'RE MORE AT PEACE AND YOU'RE FAR FROM PERFECT > YOU KNOW, I REALLY DO BELIEVE THAT'S THE FOUNDATION FOR FREEDOM FROM PERFECTION IS A RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS CHRIST, ALLOWING HIS PERFECTION TO STAND FOR US

HE WAS PERFECT THANKFULLY, BY HIS GRACE, WE DON'T HAVE TO BE AND THAT CAN FREE US UP EVEN FROM THE PERFECTIONISM THAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THERE'S SO MANY OTHER THINGS THAT WE COULD HAVE BROUGHT OUT AND > THIS HAS BEEN SO MUCH FUN > I THINK YOU'VE DONE, YOU'VE PUT SO MUCH INTO THE BOOK LIKE CHANGING YOURSELF AND NOT YOUR MAN I THINK THAT'S REALLY A GREAT POINT AND CHOOSING THE RIGHT MAN NOT JUST THE FIRST ONE THAT > THAT'S RIGHT > COMES ALONG SO, ALL I CAN DO IS SAY THANK YOU FOR COMING > OH, BEEN A PLEASURE

> YOU'VE DONE A GREAT JOB MUCH NEEDED BOOK, IT'S GOING TO FILL A REAL NITCH > THANK YOU > THANK YOU AND I CERTAINLY ENCOURAGE OUR VIEWERS TO MAKE SURE AND I ENCOURAGE YOU TO MAKE SURE YOU GET A COPY OF DEBORAH'S BOOK AND I ALSO ENCOURAGE YOU TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU JOIN US AGAIN NEXT WEEK ON TIME FOR HOPE

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